LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY BROTHERS...

February 25th was the 48th birthday of my brothers who were twins, Kevin Eugene (on the left), and Kenneth Dean (on the right). 

They were born during the snow plowing of a blinding blizzard in 1965. How my mother, who had born 4 daughters by that time, didn't birth them in a snow drift, is beyond me! The snow was up to the windows as we followed the snow plow on the single lane it forged up a major highway trying to reach, 1. Our friends' house for us girls to stay while Mom was in the hospital. And 2. The hospital 20 miles from there, since twins can be a high risk birth.

'The boys' as they were known until adulthood, were born 4 minutes apart, didn't look a thing alike, and were as different in personalities as they were in looks. 

They spent their childhood in the usual all-boy pursuits of trying to kill each other, with such inspired weaponry as their glass milk bottles (initially, as babies, that's all they had in hand!), Hot Wheels cars, lawn darts/jarts, croquet mallets, even graduating to BB guns at one point. But behind that attempted cranial cracking was a bond that would never waiver. 

In those days, boys did boy things. Masculine. Daredevil'ish. Turns out Kev had ideas of his own, even as a toddler. He was just as good playing with Barbie and tea parties as he was lobbing a Hot Wheel car off its track to knock out Kenny's eye. Thankfully his aim was off that time! In those dark ages, when everyone was afraid of everything that was different and/or that they didn't understand, Kevin became more and more of a pariah the older he became. Turns out, he was gay. Something he knew from around age 6, though he had no name for it at that time. Neither did we. The girlish'ness didn't go unrecognized, but we knew nothing about 'gays', how they 'got that way', how to 'fix it', how to realize our lives did not need homophobes in them. 

Kevie was loud and proud as he grew into a teenager. At age 15, he officially 'came out', and from then on, was liberated from the chains of living a life that's a lie, one that will suck your life's blood right from the marrow. Dad beat him up and kicked him out. He lived with my sister, and then with me, as he finished high school. He and Dad made up not long after he was banned from his childhood home. Dad didn't understand, but he eventually got it, that Kevin was his child, period. They had a pretty great relationship from then on. Mom always accepted and loved Kevin, period. They were great friends. With the support of his most important family members and friends, Kev went on to live a life full of happiness. No one I ever knew ever spent a day as grateful to live in it, as Kev. No one was as much fun to be around, as Kev. Wicked sense of humor, literally, no joke. Irreverent. As silly as a child. Animal lover and advocate. As articulate as Stephan Hawking if he chose to be. A connossieur of all things French, and fluent in the language. His greatest passion became advocating for AIDS awareness. July 23, 1992, he was diagnosed HIV positive. The first couple of years were the roughest. He decided not to view life as awaking with a death sentence hanging over his head every morning, wondering when he would one day die a horrible death. He decided he happened to be a person who had HIV. And that the disease wouldn't define him, nor take away any quality from his life, until he could no longer beat it. 

As he got older, he felt a fervent need to educate others about the perils of being HIV positive. AIDS was declining in media coverage, yet not declining in new cases all over the world. He sat on a panel of doctors and educators that spoke to college and high school students, especially in Bloominton, IN, where he lived. He shared his life, the highs and lows, with these kids, many of whom came after the presentation to ask more questions and thank him for doing so. It was one of the highlights of his entire life, for his life to mean something to them.

As he aged, his health began to decline, and the AIDS cocktail he had taken for years, began to take a mortal toll on his organs. Kevie was so very many things to me... My brother... Like my child... My confidante... A best friend... Someone who loved without a single string, ever... MY FRIEND. He called me 'GoddessBlossom' and when I asked why, he merely said 'Because you are...'. He was my 'BottomBlossom'. (You may not want to ask haha.) We were thick as thieves, and I could barely remember life without him in it.

On September 11, 2010, he never awoke.

He was found laying on his couch, cell phone charging on the table in front of him, tv on (as always when he fell asleep). 

He appeared so sleepily at peace... 

He had made it 20 years with HIV/AIDS.

His story was the first with which I began my ROBA blog.

My concept of starting ROBA was to share with others all of the beautiful things, people, places, fun, etc, that I have been so fortunate to have found in a well-journeyed life.

Kevin is the most-beautiful of them all...

Seventeen months have come and gone since Kevin fell into a permanent sleep. This has been the most difficult year of my life, and of many of the lives of the family and friends who also knew and loved him. You don't enjoy a life filled with such a life force as Kevin, without your entire universe altering at his passing.

Kevin loved being loved. His worst fear was being forgotten. 

I hope he realizes there is no chance of that. 

As long as I breathe, I'll be singing his praises, and there will be those who pick up that thread, when I'm gone.

Life will never be the same, never as bright, never as fun, never as happy. I learn to live with this, and live to learn how to continue with this new life. It's time. 

I feel like a new-born colt, stumbling into a new world unbuffered by Kev's influence on it. I write this so you will know his name, and maybe remember him in some large or small way. So his name lingers everywhere, even if only from time to time. I write about my brother so that no one will become complacent of HIV/AIDS. Life can be lived with it; Kevin showed us all that truth. Kevin always lived life, wrung every iota of silver from every lining, his entire life! We could all learn a lesson from that. 

AIDS is not over. It is not cured. 

When Kev died, he'd had his regular AIDS exam about a month before. His viral load was undetectable. His T-cell count was good. There was no indication his time was running out... 

His message would strongly be:

GET TESTED.

BE SAFE.

LISTEN TO YOUR DOCTORS.

And if you have HIV/AIDS, don't give up.

Don't let AIDS tell you how to live. Get yourself as healthy as you can and let that MoFo follow YOU around, instead of dictating your life.

And my brother Kenny?! He was Kevin's most-fervent advocate. In his quiet way, he helped fight Kev's battles for, and with, him. He was ALWAYS there for Kev, as macho and subtle as Kev was as flaming and extroverted. And he's just as loved!

TIME AFTER TIME...

HAPPY 2013!!!

No disrespect to Mick Jagger and The Stone's awesome song,

but Tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime, ain't on our side!

2012's most-valuable lesson to me is that lousy cliche:

ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE.

The younger we are, the more invicible we feel, and invariably, life will hand us a huge dose of

gotcha usually as soon as get comfy believing we've gotten it all figured out. We bust our backs burning the candle at both ends trying to be productive. We starve ourselves of some of the BEST joys of life, our fave foods and drink, trying to sculpt bodies worthy of sample-sized perfection. We follow the Golden Rule and do unto others until we're blue in the face, and they still don't include us in their thoughts, much less their lives. We fall into a Hallmark moment spiderweb of 'If only I _____, then life will be PERFECT!'. 

2012 sent me on my life's biggest hairpin rollercoaster, and in 2013, I plan to come out the other side.

I've learned some pretty basic and logical things along the way:

I'm 30 lbs heavier than my hubby ever knew me. He loves me anyway.

Whatever my blood type, body type, or geographic diet region, weight loss occurs at calories expended more than calories in. MOVE IT!

It's ok to work on things about myself that bug me, but it's not ok to try to be someone else to please others. If any relationship takes 24/7 work, maybe it's not meant to be 'that kind' of relationship?! Treat those closest to me as kindly and civilly as I would a stranger I've just met.

Loss will take you to your knees. Life will never be the same having lost my baby brother. There is a permanent percentage of sadness that underlies every thought and action in my life. But that shall be balanced, off and on, by happiness, smiles, laughter and love. As I once told him years ago, 'If we all have to go sometime, why not just hang around and see what happens?!'. I don't try to get over his death, get through it, forget it, leave it behind, etc. Wouldn't be able to accomplish those Herculean efforts were I Hercules! But I'll learn to co-exist with the void he left, and fill it with the gratitude of the years we enjoyed together, and the memories we made therein.

When the tears come, let 'em. They'll just find another way out, and it may be even less pleasant than rolling down the cheeks. Then go to the beach. Read. Ride a bike in the fresh air. DANCE. Have you ever just danced for the hell of it? Alone? With the abandon of a gypsy woman (Bryan Hyland, I still LOVE that song!) gyrating by the nite fire? It WORKS!

We seem to revel in conforming our lives into what other's wish, what we think we wish (usually based on what other's wish for us), and what society deems 'correct'. Eff that. ChChChChanges are where it's at! Predictable lives get to be boring. Cloned people? Boring! Shake it off and shake it up! The world is such a huge vast place, with all its differences, its options, its beauty. Life, with all its curve balls, is meant for the LIVING. It's ok to plow through EXISTING when your day has just dragged you to the depths. But YOLO didn't become so annoying without being fact based! 

CARPE DIEM!!!

Stress has been one of my fave research topics for decades. Cos I have too much of it. To the point I have a double muffin top from the extra cortisol I always carry around. Enough is enough. When it comes to material things, I've had a little and I've had a LOT. In hindsight, I can say I'm happiest when I pare STUFF down to less. In every aspect of my life. Oprah couldn't even top that lightbulb moment for me! The biggest puzzles of life seemed to fall into place once I realized that we can have too much, do too much, be too much to too many... 

Pick and choose.

If the relationship is that important, accept it as it is and move forward.

Forget fashion rules, make your own STYLE!

The sky doesn't fall if we have to propel forward from negativity & toss the toxic!

Decide your REAL priorities!

If you want the mac and cheese, have some. Balance it by staying on your feet more than off them!

Move it or lose it!

Realize that if your efforts haven't changed people/things/yourself by now, move on! It's ok!

Mix metals!

Just Keep Living! (Isn't Matthew still hot?!) All we REALLY know is, we've got THIS life!

It's not often the universe lets us be our own boss, or so we think. We have a lot more say so over what happens to us, than we are able to discern at first. Watch a child or a kitten or puppy. They stick to the basics, then branch out from there! They play, love, eat, sleep, on the time tables that work for them. It's when we age and grow up, that we begin adding unnecessary to-do lists to our days' repertoire!

Listen to your body; it will tell you what it needs. When it feels right, when it doesn't.

Listen to your instinct. It will guide you when your brain tries to overthink.

Love with your heart and lessen the strings.

Be still. Boil away the ephemera and find what makes you you, and what makes you happy to BE you.

Then roll with it, Baby!!! It's sooooo liberating, so simple, you won't even need wings once you let go of the chains! You'll simply SOAR!!!

~Through The Eyes of a Child...

As Christmas becomes a surreal 'Christmas is here and gone already?' memory, I find myself thinking about 2012 and the future in general... Having gone from believing what I thought were answers, to looking for answers in all the wrong places, to giving up on finding any real answers, I find myself in an emotional state of limbo-flux. Which then of course keeps my earthbound-bipedalers from touching the ground. I am neither 'here' nor 'there' though I feel I'm all over the place 'everywhere'. We lament the lack of hours in a day. Wasted time. Doing 'nothing'. Since most people love roses, why isn't it ok to make the time to smell them?

Peace of mind and lack of time... Apples and Clementines... can one beget the other? Can lack of time illuminate our way during the maze of our days? Can never-ending to-do lists be the answer to serenity? Ask a child! Eat, drink, sleep, play, and a child's day is well-lived. We share the same emotions, anger-sadness-joy-fear, but kids release the thoughts, emotions, and grudges that don't benefit their time or self. Somewhere between being thrust into this foreign territory at birth, and adulthood, WE decide we must do this, we must do that, and we MUST do so PERFECTLY. Why? Is time our worst enemy? Or are we TIME'S worst enemy? My 20-month old grandson is thrilled with his life and everyone and everything in it. Watching him thoroughly immerse himself throughout his days, I learn the BIG life lessons. He doesn't let past events cloud his present zest for enjoying today. He avoids negative people and places.  He smiles even after doctor visits, because once they're over, it's time to move on to his next thrilling discovery!

'So oftentimes it happens... that we live our life in chains... and we never even know we have the key....' The Eagles figured it out... Toddlers figure it out, from the moment they scream themselves into their new world. Kitties have finessed the art of fine living. All year long, I've never had less than 4 to-do lists on deck, with a couple dozen items each, needing accomplished. Everything holiday-related ended up being begun so late, that I finally tossed every list except the ones for gifts and Christmas cards. Then I sat down to watch 'The Talented Mr. Ripley' with a Kahlua and milk. Exhausted and anxious, I realized, nothing happened. No one noticed my untidy house... No one began avoiding me... The sky didn't fall...
The ceilings didn't cave... The world didn't end... no Armageddon, no Apocalypse...




We remember being kids. Isn't the fact that we cherish happy childhood memories enough for us to learn that retaining that child-like curiosity, excitement for doing new things, and letting go of those things in life that take us places we'd rather not go, enough to toss unreasonable expectations and demands of ourselves? Too much of our lives is lived for what others might think if we don't. I'm fast-learning that not one single person has ever climbed a ladder to white-glove the tops of my kitchen cabinets! At the end of our lives, our best moments will be those spent with loved ones and/or doing things we enjoy. I'm the CEO of putting myself last on those to-do lists. 'Lack of time'... Every day has 24 hours. If they're lacking, whose fault is that, really?! Life, not time, is short. I no longer wish my epitaph to read that I 'did everything I was supposed to do, perfectly.' Laughter, love, and living my happiest life, WILL be my peace of mind. I can live with that!